anomalous_one

and I answered,

More friends.
More people to hang out with.
Make out with.
Go out with.
Stay in with.
More hugs.
More intense conversations.
More contagious laughter.
More shared stories.
Shared experiences.
Days.
Nights.
Lives.
More hellos than goodbyes.
More yes's than no's.

Love.
A family.
Relationships that are real.

That's what would make my life good.....


That will always be true of me.
And I suspect, of most other people in this world too.
Yet for some reason,
no one ever.....

Sometimes I suspect that the entire female gender exists solely for the purpose of disappointing me.



THERE, I SAID IT!

why are people so horrible?
cold, mean, insensitive, callous, uncaring, selfish
I don't understand
how can that possibly be in anyone's best interest?
don't they possess the self-awareness to see what they're doing?
do they want to be horrible people? do they care if they are?
I'm utterly mystified right now; so many people I have known and, to my detriment, cared about, act in ways that make no sense to me at all
sometimes I fear that I am trapped in a world of people that do little but hurt themselves and each other
people that are all but incapable of love or compassion
people that would rather lose their minds, and their hearts, than take a real look in the mirror
people that I would do well to stay far away from
if only I didn't need them so much
if only I didn't care
but I do, and I can't help it
and in the end, I guess I'll lose my mind too
because I love what hurts me:
other human beings

I feel like I have just torn out my own insides
I lied
her love does mean something to me
even now
even after I have lost every ounce of respect I had for her
there is no way I would feel like this otherwise
the fact is, I love unconditionally
whether I like it or not
I love people I shouldn't
because I can't turn it off
but life has also taught me that love isn't enough
and sometimes, I just have to ignore it
to save myself
or in this case
because they don't deserve it

things are obscure to me right now
I'm not really sure where I am, or where I should go
I can't see down the road very far at all, cannot tell what lies ahead
could be anything
or nothing
and it looks a lot more like nothing
like I have nothing to look forward to
it almost makes me want to turn back, but when I look behind.....I remember that that way is just more of the same
I feel very alone
I have no idea how long this will last
it may be that this is what my life will look like for a long time
or it may be, that I am right on the edge of this fog, and soon the sun will burst through and everything about my life will be clear to me once again
and I will find what I am looking for at last
either way, it seems pretty clear that the only thing to do
is pick a direction and strike off in it
because I'll never find my way out just standing around....

why this feeling of melancholy?
a feeling of wanting to hold on for just a bit more,
to something I've been trying to let go of for so long?
I can feel tears inside me somewhere
not far from the surface
but they don't come out of course, they never come out
I don't remember feeling like this last time I left
even though I knew I'd be gone a long time
it didn't faze me in the slightest
mostly I just felt relief then
but now, on the eve of my departure
I feel loss
and I am not even sure why
it's not like I'll never see this place again
but perhaps, I may never see it again in the same way.....

going over old pictures taken here doesn't help
those feelings of loss do make sense
reminders of times when I had everything I wanted here
reminders of people I still love, who I suspect I will never see again
these things have little to do with my departure
but right now seems to be some sort of moment that is about leaving things behind in general.....
in which I am caught between past which will never return, and future which I cannot see
it's a scary place, very lonely
and I guess it is somehow necessary for me to experience it
but still, I hope this does not last
I hope I catch up with my future sooner than later
I don't want to feel like this again for a long, long time

your presence intoxicates me as much as it ever did
you're not the only one, but
you're the only one whose faults I can't help but overlook
I think you're wonderful no matter what, and I can't explain why, I just do
and I don't think I will stop, no matter how many times we say goodbye
maybe this is self-destructive of me
maybe we were never meant to last, and I am flogging a dead horse
maybe you don't even deserve me
but
I have a lot of love for you
and
I would just be lying to myself if I denied it
and I'm not interested in lying to myself

I wish
I wish you could understand what you mean to me
I wish that that right moment would come when I could tell you
I am afraid that you won't care
but
I am also suspicious that you will
I am suspicious that you care about me to a degree that is even more than I could hope for
and you know, in the end, that means everything to me
even if we really weren't meant to last
maybe our feelings for each other still were

"Could you live a life full of traveling?"

yes
I could
and it seems I must
it seems the best way
capricious perhaps
but honest
I won't pretend that my heart isn't somewhere else
until the day that it isn't
if I have to travel thousands of miles, see dozens of cities, meet hundreds of people to find what I am looking for
then that is what my life will look like
no matter how long it takes
I will find that feeling called "home" again
even if it means I cannot stay in any single place
even if it constantly recedes before me
I will chase it forever
if that is the only way to find it